At a loss for words…

This week I’ve woken up many times with a tear stained face and no explanation why. of the dreams I do remember, it was people from my past giving me direction in life apart from what I have chosen. I have really had to take a step backwards and ponder my life and where I am and think about what’s missing and what’s complete. I have woken up at all hours of the day; from naps in the evening to earlier than most people go to sleep, to when my alarm goes off in the morning wondering what made me cry that time. All week I’ve been searching desperately for something to say but no words would come. Yesterday (Thursday from the way I’m looking at it) I had a brief moment of clarity, but nothing to ease my nerves. Then Friday I found myself grabbing my post-it notes writing in micro-script trying to get things off my chest. I went from living to dying, from knowing everything to knowing nothing, but I never really figured out what I needed to say.

You may be thinking this is an odd title for a blog post, if I was really at a loss for words, I wouldn’t be typing any of this right now. However, the way I see it, if you’re walking through a forest and you’re lost, you’re still walking, right? That’s how I feel right now. I’m walking with no direction. I don’t know the way in or the way out. I’m letting things come to me instead of searching for them.

This morning, I waited for a turkey to cross the road before going into work. I probably could have gone around it, but I really didn’t want to get in its way. It was about 7 AM and I was taken by the calm it possessed going across a roadway. It looked at me as it crossed and I was honestly so taken by nature’s beauty that I couldn’t do anything but let it have the right of way. I posted a Facebook status about it because I’m still shocked at the number of turkeys here (and by the way, birds, especially large ones like turkeys scare the shit out of me). My cousin commented on it telling me it was a reminder of patience, and I must say, she had a great point.

As I was getting dressed this morning, I took some time to reflect on my tattoo in the mirror. I had to remind myself why I made it a permanent addition to my body. What made me believe those three things were so important that they belonged? What change in thinking did I have when Rob called it an anchor and Sarah asked which loved one it was for? These things matter and these are things in life that deserve my time.

I know I’m not the best person, and I know there are things I need to work on. I’m sure that there will be tears tonight and maybe even tomorrow. With luck, I’ll be back to writing tomorrow and whether it’s shared in any capacity or kept to myself I am confident that the words will come if I give them time. I need to balance my thoughts with a pen and paper rather than my sleep schedule with my work schedule. Sometimes, it really does pay to just think about yourself for a little bit.

Good night.


Say "I love you" (Originally Published 6/16/11)

Take the time everyday to tell the people who are important to you that you love them.

You never know when somebody might leave your life,

You never know when you might need to call on somebody and they won’t be there,

So tell them how important they are to you each day,

If they return the favor, you will always know who you can count on.

People Who Help You (Originally Published 6/14/11)

Often times I feel alone, I feel like nobody understands me and what I’m feeling. But if I would open my eyes and heart I would be able to see that so many people do.

I can’t wait to be in the arms of those that care about me so much again. I’ve helped them through rough times and they’ve helped me and that is an unbreakable bond. Knowing that with anything life throws at us we will still have each other, is the most amazing feeling one could ask for.

Understanding that rough times happen to everybody but how rough it seems is a matter of how rough you and others make it. Trying to get through it instantly makes it better. Letting other people help you through it without pushing them away helps you get through it. There are so many things out there that make it better. But there are so many things out there that make it worse.

My best advice is to ignore the things that make it worse. Simply pretend they didn’t happen. If it’s somebody you are very close to they probably just don’t know how to respond to the situation. Don’t write them off, understand that it’s just not their forte. They still love you and they will still be there for you when you need a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on, but they simply don’t know the right thing to do or say. That’s okay.

God would not put anybody in your life that won’t make you stronger. If they’re hurting you, it’s for just as much a reason as people helping you.

On Death (Originally Posted 6/2/11)

I don’t know what I was dreaming about last night, but my first thoughts this morning were of those we lost too early, especially Holly Jauch and Jon Morales. I miss my friends, they were excellent people in their lives, for both of them I rarely saw them without a smile, they always wanted to right thing. Now that they’re gone, I can only wonder what kind of person they’d be today.

Jon died at an Army Training Base a year and a half ago, I have no doubt that he’d have the same personality, but would he be stronger? Would he tell you he’s learned more in his life?

Holly died when she was 10. She’d be 19 now, what kind of person would she be? Would she still be the person who never did anything but smile? Even when she was really sick, I never saw her when she wasn’t fighting. That’s something I loved about her, she didn’t let other people know she was suffering. She just spread happiness and joy to her friends. I miss you girl.

I started wondering if God takes good people young as a way of spreading good. For instance, you lose someone who meant a lot to you, always tried to improve the world, etc. And then they’re gone. Would you cry about it? Would you go out and try to do the same thing they did? If just two people tried to do the same thing, that would be two more people spreading good than before. It has definitely got possibilities for me.

Who You’d Be Today- Kenny Chesney
It says it all.

On Change

There is a quote attributed to Maya Angelou that reads:

“If you don’t like something, change it.
If you can’t change it, change your attitude.
Don’t complain.”

Recently, I was faced with this choice. At a transition period in my life, I could either remain high strung and constantly stressed out or I could start letting go and enjoying life. I’m very happy I chose the latter. It has been extremely liberating for me to let go of my worries and just let things work out in their own time. I can’t rush everything; I can’t have everything at my will. There are still uncertainties and I still certainly worried and continue to worry every so often about what is to come. However, I know that it will do me no good in many cases.

I know that change scares a lot of people. I used to be one of them. I decided  sometime during college that change was too common to fear. To me, it seems a waste of time to fear what you cannot control. I watched myself and my friends fail classes and have to restructure everything because of it. We’ve struggled with paying for the next semester and if or how we were going to make it work. I’ve watched friends change majors and even universities. I’ve watched friends delay graduation to take more classes or more opportunities, or even based on pure necessity. Change is all around us and it happens far more frequently than we realize.

Change is most obvious when seasons change, both literally and figuratively. But literal seasons aren’t the same everywhere. Summer and winter occur at opposite times in each hemisphere. Some countries have twice as much sunlight as others. Some locations have half as large of a temperature differential between seasons as others. Just the same, in a given person’s life no season is equal to someone else’s. In order for anybody to be supported during a season, you first have to know your season and own your season. There will be people to guide you always, but nobody can stand behind you and hold you up until you stand behind yourself and take the first step.

Change is a very difficult thing to accept, and I don’t know that anybody ever completely does. All that can be done is taking the proper steps in the right direction. Almost everybody I have talked to has described me as a strong willed, grounded, woman who knows what she wants and gets it. This is true, but there are times when I get lost in the midst of change and worry and don’t know who I am or what I want. It happens even to the best of us. However, taking a step back and looking at my life, where I am and where I’m going, I see that change is absolutely essential for me right now. It does me no good to dwell on what the perfect solution is, because it’s probably not going to happen. It doesn’t need to happen; I know that whatever happens it will work out in the end.

Faith, Hope & Love

I got my second tattoo on Saturday. This tattoo is meant to symbolize faith, hope and love. I chose this design because sometimes I do waiver in my faith, and sometimes I am distrustful of love, and sometimes I even lose hope. However, somewhere deep inside of me I know that these three things remain with me always.

I have to say that in the months leading up to this decision, I gave a lot of thought not to the design, not the location, but rather the message. I had to examine my faith and make sure that this was something I believe at all times in my life. I must say that I am incredibly happy with my decision and the timing was perfect. I have never felt more blessed by people and opportunity in my life and it’s very easy to stay strong during the happy times. But that’s exactly what I needed to go through with this; happy times. In the bad times, it will still be there to remind me what being blessed feels like. In other happy times, it will still be there to remind me that life is a cycle of ups and downs.

There is one thing I didn’t think about during this process. I was showing it off and from a distance somebody asked me if it was an anchor. At first I was like “Uh… no”. But it didn’t take long for me to realize what he must have been seeing. And it made me think, did I do this subconsciously? The answer is probably no, but it gives me a new way to look at it. I am anchored in my belief that faith, hope and love will prevail.

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.