This week I’ve woken up many times with a tear stained face and no explanation why. of the dreams I do remember, it was people from my past giving me direction in life apart from what I have chosen. I have really had to take a step backwards and ponder my life and where I am and think about what’s missing and what’s complete. I have woken up at all hours of the day; from naps in the evening to earlier than most people go to sleep, to when my alarm goes off in the morning wondering what made me cry that time. All week I’ve been searching desperately for something to say but no words would come. Yesterday (Thursday from the way I’m looking at it) I had a brief moment of clarity, but nothing to ease my nerves. Then Friday I found myself grabbing my post-it notes writing in micro-script trying to get things off my chest. I went from living to dying, from knowing everything to knowing nothing, but I never really figured out what I needed to say.
You may be thinking this is an odd title for a blog post, if I was really at a loss for words, I wouldn’t be typing any of this right now. However, the way I see it, if you’re walking through a forest and you’re lost, you’re still walking, right? That’s how I feel right now. I’m walking with no direction. I don’t know the way in or the way out. I’m letting things come to me instead of searching for them.
This morning, I waited for a turkey to cross the road before going into work. I probably could have gone around it, but I really didn’t want to get in its way. It was about 7 AM and I was taken by the calm it possessed going across a roadway. It looked at me as it crossed and I was honestly so taken by nature’s beauty that I couldn’t do anything but let it have the right of way. I posted a Facebook status about it because I’m still shocked at the number of turkeys here (and by the way, birds, especially large ones like turkeys scare the shit out of me). My cousin commented on it telling me it was a reminder of patience, and I must say, she had a great point.
As I was getting dressed this morning, I took some time to reflect on my tattoo in the mirror. I had to remind myself why I made it a permanent addition to my body. What made me believe those three things were so important that they belonged? What change in thinking did I have when Rob called it an anchor and Sarah asked which loved one it was for? These things matter and these are things in life that deserve my time.
I know I’m not the best person, and I know there are things I need to work on. I’m sure that there will be tears tonight and maybe even tomorrow. With luck, I’ll be back to writing tomorrow and whether it’s shared in any capacity or kept to myself I am confident that the words will come if I give them time. I need to balance my thoughts with a pen and paper rather than my sleep schedule with my work schedule. Sometimes, it really does pay to just think about yourself for a little bit.
Good night.
She’s Got a Whole PhD 